This Chosen Road

Courage Is Calling: Building Your Emotional Compass

By Mary Muroki

God, I Am Done

The silence in the night was so loud that I could literally hear my breathing. I was working from my laptop trying to crack up this concept for my school project. I guess my laptop was as tired as the owner and so the screen went blank. My heart pace increased gradually and I could literally hear my heartbeat. I could not imagine that everything I had been working on for the last three hours would be lost in a nip of a second. In the midst of this dead silence, just outside a big window directly opposite where I was sitting,  I heard a little bird chirp repeatedly in soft rhythmic tunes that could actually sum to a beautiful and soothing song, one that awakens all the cells and senses in you and brings some sort of healing and calmness. Well, I love music but I am not a songwriter nor a singer (sometimes I try to be one ). I thought of picking my guitar and doing a collabo with the bird but then I realised how crazy that would sound in the middle of the night. I thought of how free and jovial the bird was and for a moment, I wished I was a bird. I closed my beautiful tired eyes and took a deep sigh of breath. I cannot recall what happened but when I opened my eyes, a few tear drops flowed from my right eye and I felt this deep sense of love and calmness. It has been a while since I felt that way and I just smiled as I thought of the goodness of God.

This year has been a rollercoaster for me. The high moments have been very high and the low moments have been very low. At some point, I was not sure what I was doing and who I was. The nights that I slept crying were more than the days I laughed. I think my eyes got used to the meltdowns because I would wake up expecting some sleep bags only to find a clear coast. I would report to work the following day and come back home to the same cycle. On this particular day, I was literally drained; my body was tired from the sleepless nights and the crazy workload at work, my heart was faint with emotional stress, and I was overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that needed my attention. That night, I told God, "Hey, so it is me and I am really tired, can we call this whole life thing quits, it is time you called me home. I just want to be a child. Okay, you know what God, I am done."

Psychological Narratives- Who told you? 

The concept of psychological narratives explains the values of stories and storytelling and how they give meaning to a person's life, shape their identity and retell their story. When I told God I was done, I meant it. The negative voices in my head were too loud to think otherwise."You are unwanted, a reject, useless, unloved, a loser, your family is bad luck, are you sure you are a child of God, you are broken beyond repair, a disgrace, you do  not deserve forgiveness, you are a bitter young woman doomed for destruction..." At that particular time, I could not bring myself to believe anything else. My mind had been so clouded with a lot of negative energy that choked my faith to death. 

At some point, almost everyone has these negative voices that speak louder than the truths in God's word. To some, the list of lies from our adversary the devil could be less than what I believed while to others the list could be more. One thing I have realised in my walk to emotional freedom is that the enemy is cunning always finding a window of opportunity to feed you and me with these lies (1 Peter 5:8). The situation is even worse when we are ignorant of the truth of God concerning our lives. In the book of John 8:32, the Bible says "They shall know the truth and the truth shall set them free." This verse simply means, that in the absence of truth (God's word) there is oppression or slavery.  I equate freedom to living life authentically or simply living life in your true self. However, leading an authentic life is subject to debate, especially in this volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous world (VUCA).  If this concept is not well defined based on God's word- His truth, then we are all doomed. That is why we have toxic positivity, competition between males and females, and wrong ideologies concerning feminism, empowerment and sexuality (a discussion for another day). God remains to be the centre of everything.  I love the line by Miss Clara from the  Movie War Room " Everyone is trying to leave Jesus out and that is why we are in this mess in the first place... When you write that down, do not leave out Jesus." 

I keep reminding myself that if it is not of God then it is surely a trap. In scenarios where one is not totally sold out to Christ and is not knowledgeable of the truth concerning their lives fear and doubt encroach. Such weak moments can lead to emotional breakdown and instead of allowing God to have His way, we get ourselves into self-destructive habits such as smoking, alcoholism, binge-watching and eating, negative self-talk, addiction to drugs and pervasive sexual desires, among others. Furthermore, we get into a state of learned helplessness, believing all these lies to the point of owning the lies and intentionally choosing not to take action and settling for the status quo "that is just who I am or that is just how things are." Before I lose you, letting go and letting God is totally different from learned helplessness. In the prior, you have taken action by allowing God to take charge (submission to His will) and in the latter, you have simply chosen not to take action, it is what it is.

The power of your thoughts

James Allen in his book 'As Man Thinketh' plays a strong foundation on the power of thoughts on character, circumstances, health and body, purpose, achievement, vision and ideals and serenity-aspects that sum up the life of a human being.  James writes, "As a weak man can make himself strong by careful training, so the man of weak thoughts can make himself strong by exercising himself in right thinking." Now if that is not enough reason to make you pause and rethink the narratives that have shaped you up to this point in life, then I doubt anything will. Who defines your identity? Who told you that you cannot overcome those addictions? Who told you that you can never heal? Who told you that God cannot forgive you? Who told you that you cannot break free from your past hurtful experiences? Who told you that you are cursed? Who told you that you cannot find love and love just because you are a single parent, a divorcee or widowed? The list of questions is endless and I hope you take time to confront all those beliefs that you have held so dearly. This exercise was the most difficult step in my self-development journey. I am not yet at my best. I keep reminding myself that I am in the process of growth and it is okay to take a step at a time. Had it not been for God using my little birdie friend, I could have been trapped in negative thoughts just because of a dark screen.

Kintsugi-The Master Potter Jesus Christ

                                  

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery using urushi lacquer mixed with powdered silver, gold or platinum and the end product is a breath-taking piece of art. The technique shows that some things are even more beautiful when they are broken. I have embraced brokenness and my Kintsugi story began when I told God I am done.  I did not want to take away my life. I was done with self-sabotage. I was done with living with unforgiveness, anger and bitterness. I was done finding validation from men and pleasing people. Most importantly, I was done allowing my childhood experiences and my past to dictate my present and my future. I was very broken and at that point ready to take any path that would lead me to light. I was choosing life.

The Psalmist says in Psalms 51:17 (NKJV) "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit. A broken and contrite spirit, These, O God, you will not despise." God is jealous of our lives. He wants us to cultivate a deep relationship with Him. Being a child of God is not enough. There are just some blessings that you and I cannot access until we are fully under His lordship. Insisting on our own way is pride and goodness gracious God hates pride. It is His mercies that hold us together. However, when humility and brokenness are birthed, the light of God finds a place to penetrate and settle in our hearts.  

James Allen writes "A strong man can never help a weaker unless the weaker is willing." No one else can alter the condition of your thoughts but yourself, with the help and guidance of God and the Holy Spirit. God promises and blessings are true and every blessing comes with a condition.  Darling, even the gift of salvation  (John 3:16) which is free to all has a condition. You have to confess with your mouth and believe in your heart (Romans 9:9-10).  You have to work out your salvation with fear and trembling (Phillipians 2:12-13). Simply stated, take up radical responsibility, sit with your stories, weep if you got to and then choose to make a positive impact based on those narratives.

One thing I have learnt is that if I do not take control of my life with the guidance of God, other people and situations will surely take up that power. It is, therefore, my (your) responsibility to take charge of my (your) life and decide to say no to self-sabotage and probably just tell God you are done because when you are done, that is when God gets to do His job. This experience is not a walk in a path, it calls for courage and audacity to live boldly. Remember, no one else knows what is best for you other than your creator. God remodels and reshapes us to be who and what He had originally planned. Imagine yourself going through the kintsugi process, and not in the hands of an earthly potter (your spouse, therapist, career, beliefs, past experiences, money, fame) but in the hands of the master potter, Jesus Christ Himself. What a masterpiece you get to become. The artwork does not end in becoming but also in doing.

I am grateful that I was broken, that I lost people, my business and myself. Looking back, I actually did not empty my cup, God gave me a new cup. I have the most beautiful golden, silver and platinum scars. How I love life and everything that comes with it. The pain, the hardship, the laughter, the regret, the separations, the sun, the grass, the air, the giggles. This life has showed me all kinds of stressors, but it has also opened up my heart like the great treasure chest ever seen. I have developed a deep sense of empathy and love-my KINTSUGI. I get to choose my path everyday, the courage side of life. You get to choose too darling. The question is, will you take the risk and create room in your heart for God to write and re-edit your story, or will you sit and let other people and situations narrate your story on your behalf? 

About the Author

Mary Muroki is a wellness enthusiast who is passionate about life, living it for the glory of God and in a holistic manner. Wambui believes that everything is possible for all those who dare to dream, imagine and believe in the beauty of their dreams. Her personality showcases her as a vibrant and cheerful soul, a lady with deep wells of empathy, creativity, imagination and a unique communication style. Her abilities include community engagement, critical thinking, business development and working with organizations that steer head youths and community development at the grassroots level. Wambui has been shaped by her childhood experiences (both good and traumatic) and she has been going through a rebirth process in the Lapid Leaders Africa Lead Self Pillar and working on herself through therapy. Wambui aspires to be a certified sports nutritionist and run a program that incorporates nutrition, sports, art and life coaching to empower individuals, organizations and the community to nurture a holistic approach to living life boldly. Wambui enjoys lots of tea, nature walks, enjoying quality time with her family and friends and playing the acoustic guitar and lawn tennis. Her laughter and humour are unmatched and indeed better days are yet to come.

Connect on LinkedIn @ Mary Wambui Muroki