This Chosen Road
If I Had Thick Skin
By Mary Muroki
When the sun sets, and all you have is your pillow...
Nine months ago, I was on the verge of giving up on life. I was heartbroken after experiencing “betrayals” from friends, an aspect that had repeated itself. I was losing myself to the pressures of life and nothing seemed to be working out at all. That is what happens when God decides to edit your story and you are struggling to surrender to Him and quarterly transitions catch up with you. I mean, does a friend decide to hurt you intentionally or ghost you and then play the victim? Who on earth allows themselves to be stepped on like an old mat and thrown away in the dustbin to live with trash? Who allows themselves to be defined by others and lead a people-pleasing life without questioning anything that happens in their life? Who downgrades themselves so that others - others who do not care a dime about them - shine? Who never speaks up or stands for what they believe in? Who sits and watches their ship fill up with water and sink? The next question is a funny one. Have you ever treasured someone as your best friend, all that time you saw the red flags and still sailed on in that ship called ‘friendship’? Well, that person was me. The old version of me, to be precise. Just in case you are trying to join the dots, trust me, this is not based on a romantic heartbreak experience.
All these traits had been born from years of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. I had little to no clue what self-awareness meant or perhaps had the wrong understanding of self awareness. I lived but did life in a manner that was questionable. Before you are so hard on yourself darling, just know there is no perfect way to live life. We are all trying to figure this out. However not on our own but with the help of the Almighty God. Back to the storyline, I knew being silent promoted peace. However, I have learnt that phrase is not true in all cases. I believed I was never good enough and therefore allowed people to disrespect me and my values. I knew friendship was putting myself out there and, therefore, opened up to people who used my vulnerabilities against me. I knew I had to take people's emergencies and keep my needs in the waiting bay (now that is a lack of wisdom). I had to tolerate all the vices and ill-treatment from individuals whose presence in my life I questioned, without even asking myself if what I was doing was pleasing in the eyes of my creator. I believed that nobody could choose me and pity was the driving factor to my friendships. The moment a number of individuals found greener pastures, I meant nothing to them and they moved on with their lives. Honestly, I do not blame anyone for treating my old self the way they did. I had given all these individuals and situations the power to do exactly what they did. I had listened to the lies of the enemy instead of believing the truths of God concerning my life. I had not embraced the concept of seasons and did not understand stewardship over entitlement. However, God remains to be my Abba Father who saw an ailing child and brought all these dramas to a halt (when I decided to be obedient).
When the sun rises, and you decide to live
After
a whole month of sobbing and self-pity, life led me to a different path. A path of radical honesty and responsibility. To answer the question,
if I had thick skin:
- I would be defined by God rather than individuals by reading His word more, meditating on it and living by it. I would believe every word God says about me and never allow even a hint of doubt to choke my faith and everything God had put in me. (Jeremiah 29:10-11, Psalms 139:14, Ephesians 1). I would talk to God more about everything and minimize my exposure to people who had not been vetted by God in the first place.
- I would take time to heal from my crucibles and all original wounds to avoid attracting the wrong people or tolerating individuals just because I was afraid of losing them.
- I would have defined boundaries in every aspect of my life, communicated these boundaries and executed them while continuously finding effective improvement measures.
- I would set SMART (specific, measurable, accurate, realistic, and time-bound) goal to guide me and defined the mini objectives to work towards these goals.
- Furthermore, I would have well-defined systems and structures governing my life and effectively define my non-negotiables by knowing my worth based on God and His truths not on external accolades.
- Just like companies have financial year review policies, I would have such a plan, but instead do it on a quarterly basis. I would review my finances, my spiritual, physical and emotional well-being, and my social capital, including those in my inner circle. I would be so much more comfortable losing people and appreciating the end of their seasons in my life and vice versa.
- I would be strong enough not to be hurt by words from people who were actually broken and had no clue that they were, or who simply had the knowledge about their wounds but had intentionally chosen to hurt others.
- I would make better decisions using the decision-making matrix, design thinking or the scamper method.
- I would name my emotions and process every tiny bit of what I felt instead of numbing these feelings and emotions or running away from the hurt that comes with such experiences.
- I would shed off ignorance and read more books on self-awareness and understanding what shapes me even before chasing accolades and other relationships.
- I would understand what it entailed to run a successful business partnership, had a working constitution, and created a system that allows everyone to have access to all the business data.
- I would not allow anyone to speak to me in a disrespectful manner or in a way that demeaned me or anyone else.
- I would define my values and communicate them to myself and to the rest of the world.
- I would invest in myself, live and love more and packaged myself better.
- I would be more self-compassionate and self-loving and show up for myself as I did for others.
- I would be more assertive rather than being aggressive at an individual or at a societal level by leveraging the power of emotional intelligence.
- I would smile and practice gratitude more often and choose how I presented myself to the world rather than the world choosing how I presented myself.
- I would embrace both internal and external self awareness more.
- Lastly, I would live boldly and unapologetically, by working on myself and empowering others to work on themselves. Simply live as though today was my last day on earth.
I
hope you choose to break free from all the negative and
toxic voices or situations that speak in your life.
I hope you choose to grow.
I hope you believe in yourself.
I hope you remember how much God loves you and that you are here on earth not by mistake but to fulfill a purpose that He had for you.
I hope you remember to live today.
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